I've got a bloody mary, a glass of wine, and a bong hit waiting for me. I'm finally ready for another 4 hour miserable Oscar marathon featuring a horde of movies I haven't seen. In fact the only movie I've seen that has been nominated was Borat for Best Adapted Screenplay and we all know that has no shot at winning. I don't care who is wearing what and if I see another moment of the Glam-a-Strator with that silver haired fruitcake on the E Channel, I'm going to inflict severe bodily harm upon myself. Here are a couple of random shots from the red carpet preview show that I am forcing myself to watch:
My hatred for Penelope Cruz grows exponentially every time I see her. What is all the fuss for? Go do my laundry you hook-nosed skank.
Portia de Rossi is unbelievably hot. Too bad she plays for the other team. Regardless, I'd love to see Ellen strap one on and give it to her in the fart box.
John Travolta gets more hair every time I see him. Drop the weave you over the hill bum. I wonder if the homo erotic biker movie he made with Tim Allen and the other washed up slobs is nominated?
Marc Anthony is high on coke. He's babbling on like an imbecile about American Idol and looks like he is attempting to eat Ryan Seacrest's head.
Jessica Biel is overrated. Great tits and gorgeous body but if she wasn't famous, I wouldn't even notice her on the street. Loose the bee hive hairdo!

We are not in Mayberry anymore. Then again I would give my left nut to see one of her titties pop out of the side of her dress right now. And I'd give my right nut to have my mouth waiting on the side of her dress for it to pop out. Alright she's hot...but still overrated.
Someone please tell Kelly Preston that only women who spend their days chain smoking menthols, drinking cans of Schlitz and getting gang raped by a pack of toothless rednecks in the back of a trailer should be wearing leopard print dresses.
Will someone please pick up Maggie Gyllenhaal's dress? I guarantee there is a dick under there.
Alright enough of this red carpet crap. Let's get this show going.
8:31pm - "Aaahh we awwready rowwin?" Is that English, Penelope?
8:32pm - I recognize maybe 3 people in this montage.
8:36pm - Shocker. Ellen is wearing a tuxedo. Where's her prosthetic sausage?
8:39pm - Already getting bored. This is going to be a long night.
8:41pm - Did they just excavate Peter O'Toole's body and stuff him in a cheesy tux rental? Who the hell did his make up? He looks like Chucky from Child's Play.
8:45pm - Nicole Kidman is disgusting.

It's time she get a refund for that work she had done to her cheeks and lips. I hate people who think they are so much more important than they really are. You're a good actress. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?
8:46pm - What happened to opening the show with the awards for Best Supporting Actor and Actress? Who gives a rat's ass about Art Direction?
8:49pm - Hands down the worst start in Oscar history. A half white choir that can't sing, Maggie Gyllenhaal and her surgically inverted penis, and Nicole Kidman wrapped as a Christmas gift. If I wanted a freakishly pale, self absorbed whore who only marries fags and alcoholics, I would have told Santa so myself.
8:56pm - Is there anyone in Hollywood better than Will Ferrell?

Love the new fro.
8:57pm - Helen Mirren is smoking hot for an old wanker. Definitely the best post 60 year old rack I have ever seen.
9:11pm - You gotta love how the producers of this telecast made Ellen apologize to Penelope Cruz for insinuating that she was Mexican. It reminds me of the racial diversity episode of the Office when Michael asks Oscar if he prefers a term less offensive than Mexican.
9:18pm - Nominees for Best Sound Mixing? This is absolutely horrific.
9:36pm - Jerry Seinfeld just got caught red handed picking his nose. Nothing like a billion people seeing you digging for diamonds.
9:38pm - Is Leo gonna blow Al Gore on stage? At least wait for the after party.
9:43pm - Did someone step on Cameron Diaz's face? She's another twat that pisses me off just by looking at her. And that dress looks like a cocktail napkin on steroids.
9:49pm - Not only would I change Helen Mirren's diaper but I'd probably eat the contents of it as well.
9:58pm - I just got teary eyed during the commercial for the Oprah Winfrey ABC Primetime Special - Building a Dream: The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy. If anyone has seen my balls please let me know.
10:03pm - The costume designer for Marie Antoinette looks like the lesbian version of Rocky Dennis. I cannot understand a word she is saying.
10:08pm - It's official. Tom Cruise is shorter than every woman at the Academy Awards.
10:20pm - Hey Robert Downey Jr., tighten that tie you goddamn bum! Going for that "I drink whiskey out of a brown paper bag and smack my bitches when they act up" look isn't cool anymore. Then again, mad props to any guy who can rip on himself for being a junkie.
10:25pm - Nothing says comedy like the Asian guy from Letters of Iwo Jima attempting to speak "Engrish." The Academy is cruel and I like it!
10:37pm - Jennifer Hudson couldn't have done it without God. How about thanking your cow of a mother for getting drunk and sleeping with the entire staff at the YMCA.
10:45pm - Seinfeld is hilarious. Was that Sam Perkins in the front row?
10:46pm - When is the Academy going to present George Lucas with the Lifetime Achievement Award for Best Turkey Neck in Hollywood? Lord knows he deserves it.
10:48pm - I desperately need to see Jesus Camp. That looks hilarious!
10:49pm - Where and when did Al Gore get a personality? He's hotter than Hansel right now.
10:52pm - Has anyone seen Clint Eastwood's cue cards? Is the teleprompter down? That was just plain awkward.
10:59pm - What in God's name is Quincy Jones wearing? He looks like a thugged out geisha.
11:03pm - Hey Clint, here's a little word of advice...stay away from the Jack Daniels' Red Carpet VIP tent before presenting an award and being forced to translate some strange Italian homo's speech.
11:07pm - "Ba-tee-mo?" Penelope, I believe it is called "Baltimore." Did anyone else notice how gleeful she was to announce that a fellow Hispanic won an Oscar?
11:12pm - Kirsten Dunst looks disgusting. She looks like a senile 80 year old woman you'd see shoptlifting at Kmart.
11:22pm - I would definitely bang Jennifer Hudson despite the cankles, jello arms and floating device of fat around her neck. That is one big sexy black woman. I'm not really sure if that's the alcohol, weed and/or exhaustion talking at this point of the night.

11:24pm - Is anyone else sick of seeing Beyonce everywhere? Chicks with chunky thighs, big hips and small tits don't belong on the cover of Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue.
11:28pm - Add Queen Latifah to the short list of fat black women that I would let have their way with me.
11:41pm - Last I checked Ms. Winslett, the moment I am waiting for is not the nominees for Achievement in Film Editing. I'm waiting for this drawn out crap to end.
11:44pm - A warm round applause for Jodie Foster - the first lesbian to take the stage tonight in a dress.
11:51pm - Why the hell does this crappy awards ceremony run ridiculously late every year and there is nothing they can do to shorten it? Here's an idea - cut out all but the 6 Oscars that people care about.
11:52pm - All the money in the world and Philip Seymour Hoffman can't buy a brush. It looks like he just rolled out of a brothel at 7am after a 3 day heroine binge.

11:54pm - You gotta love the announcer adding the colorful facts about each Oscar winner as they walk up on stage. "The road to the Oscars was bumpy for Helen Mirren. An Indian hand reader once told her that her success would not peak until her late 40s." Last I checked she was 61 you moron! And oh so goddamn sexy!
11:26pm - Helen's salute to the Queen was kind of creepy at the end of her speech but she gets a pass tonight for being so damn hot.
12:01am - I was passing out but the site of the new look Reese Witherspoon has got my attention. She looks fantastic!! FYI...for those of you who missed my foreshadowing in last year's Oscar review read below:

"The look of nervousness on Ryan Phillippe's face as Reese thanked everyone in the room prior to him was priceless. It's only a matter of time before she dumps your loser ass, Ryan."
12:03am - How the hell is the Last King of Scotland a fat sweaty black guy?
12:05am - Does Forest Whitaker buy his glass eyes at the same place as Stuart Scott? That left lazy eye is frightening. Stop staring at the floor you freak!
12:08am - Gee I wonder if Scorsese is going to win. They certainly didn't bring out Spielberg, Lucas and Coppola to give the Oscar to Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu for Babel.
12:08am - Congrats Martin. You deserve it. Now go treat yourself to an eyebrow waxing.
12:09am - Please tell me that Jack Nicholson is playing Britney Spears in his next movie role.
12:14am - Scorsese looks like he wants to wander back on the stage after the Departed just won the Best Motion Picture. Did anyone else notice him asking why he didn't get an Oscar for this particular award?
12:16am - Wow what a grand finale. Some fat foreigner who looks like Shrek thanking Leo and Jack followed by Ellen's brief farewell. Thank God this crap is over.
Well another 4 hours of my life wasted. This was the worst Academy Awards I have seen to date. The Academy should be ashamed of themselves for putting on such a dull display. Thankfully I have another 364 days before I have to subject myself to this trash again.